Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
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Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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