Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
