Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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