She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
