there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
