take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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