according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
