It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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