terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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