wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
