the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
