so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I could make wine with my vomit
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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