My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
