I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
