gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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