i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
