I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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