I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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