i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
