Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
