happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
