I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
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Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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