I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
