I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
only if we run a train.
done.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
