I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
