I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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