i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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