Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
