what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
