Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
