When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize