This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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