You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Is it penis luge time yet?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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