I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
