my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
do herpes really smell.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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