If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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