Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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