im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
