sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I will be naked everywhere
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
