Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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