I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm at about main and main street
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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