My room smells like vodka and shame
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
