I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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