i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
