How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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