You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
