Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
