Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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