I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
