I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
