What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
