When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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