My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize