Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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