We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
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Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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