A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
