I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
