I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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