Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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